“You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
You do not want a burnt offering.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God”

Psalm 51:16-17

My son has the biggest and most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen.  Except for his dad’s, which are exactly the same.  And my sweet boy learned at an early age that when caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to, all he had to do was mesmerize me with those eyes and say  “I’m sorry mommy,” and everything would be forgiven.  It didn’t even matter if he meant it, he was just so darned cute and he looked like he really felt sorry.  That was all that mattered.  I am a pushover, and will most likely regret those days in the future.

Don’t you wish God was that way?  We could just say we’re sorry and keep going? But that isn’t how He works is it friends?   To my great distress, I have found that God actually does look at my heart on those occasions in which I have done wrong.  He doesn’t want an empty apology.  He wants us to actually be sorry.  And He wants repentance, which is where I stumble the greatest.

To repent means to turn around, go in another direction, do things differently.  And let’s face it.  Sometimes I do make errors in judgment.  And sometimes I really do make unwitting mistakes.  But normally when I find myself on the other side of a come to Jesus encounter, I have knowingly done something that wasn’t right.  In these times, when I have let my own wants, desires and emotions rule my actions, I knew perfectly well what I was doing.  I just didn’t care at the time that Jesus would be unhappy with me.  And I can always find a way to justify my actions.

So it is in these times that I find it close to impossible to 1. Admit that I am wrong; 2. Ask for forgiveness; and 3.  Feel bad enough not to do it again.

And it isn’t just with God.  I am that way with people too.  It is only through prayer and the grace of God am I able to face up to my failures and get right again in my heart.

For me, this is one of my greatest struggles in this journey.  I am sure it will be a life-long endeavor because pride continually sneaks up on me, at these times especially.  Fortunately for me, my Lord has promised never to leave nor forsake me into my own sinfulness.  He has promised to always be my salvation.  Even when it becomes incredibly uncomfortable.  Glory to God!

Dearest Jesus,

You came to set me free from my sins.  Fill me with Your precious Holy Spirit.  Lead me into honesty and truthfulness about those parts of myself that still fall short.  Cloak me in humility that I might recognize my deep need for Your forgiveness and grace.  Teach me what it means to repent and walk in a new direction.  And help me live into the freedom You offer as a redeemed child of God.

In the name of my Savior I pray,

Amen